Fact: you will NEVER see the artist formerly known as Prince (but now known as that unpronouncable symbol) at a restaurant. And here's why.

(restaurant phone rings.)

MAITRE D': Thank you for calling Cafe Whatever, can I help you?

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: Yes, I'd like to make a reservation.

MAITRE D': Okay, sir, what's your name?

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: (silence)

MAITRE D': Hello?

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: I'm here.

MAITRE D': What's your name, sir?

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: (silence)

MAITRE D': Damn crank callers. (click)

Emoticons

Some people have criticized the Internet as enabling people to conduct their lives without any kind of human interaction, thus leading emotionally vacant lives. NOT TRUE! Netheads transmit emotions using things called Emoticons that look like sideways smiley faces. For those who have trouble getting in touch with their feelings while online, here's a primer on conveying emotions from the keyboard.

:-) I'm happy.

:-( I'm not happy.

:~) I just had a nose job.

:-@ I have a bad goatee.

#-) I'm drunk.

(:^* I hooked up with a girl.

:^{* I hooked up with a guy.

(:^{* I hooked up with a transvestite.

%-) I'm crosseyed.

.-) I'm Sammy Davis Jr.

=-O I'm offended.

|:-) I have a unibrow.

#:-) I'm wearing a toupe.

J:-) I'm wearing a very obvious, ill-fitting toupee in the breeze.

:-b... I'm drooling over somebody.

(-: I'm a happy Australian.

:-)(-: I'm a Siamese twin.

::::-) I'm a mutant.

S:-)-8-= I'm Drew Barrymore on Letterman.

: ) I'm a leper.

:-x My lips are sealed.

:-') I tend to be absent minded when I shave.

PRACTICAL JOKES

These two guys made up a concoction of all kinds of left overs, semi-pureed it in a blender, and filled a hot water bottle with it. One of them took the hot water bottle, taped it to his stomach inside of his shirt and put a short piece of hose into the top so that it came up to the front of his shirt collar, but not visible. They both went to a local pub and sat at the bar, acting already slightly intoxicated. After having a couple of beers the guy with the hot water bottle says that he is feeling sick a couple of times and "barfs" VERY loudly all over the bar to attract attention. Naturally this causes the patrons to move away from him, all except his buddy, who calmy pulls a fork out of his coat pocket and begins EATING the stuff. ;-) I don't know how true it is, but I'd love to have been there watching faces if it was...

"Time bombs." This is the phrase he uses to describe chicken parts. Easily gotten at any supermarket, they are innocent little items that can be carried almost anywhere (in a baggie, if neccessary). But when stashed in an out-of-the-way place, like under furniture cushions in the house or under car seats or in the trunk in a car, and given a little time, YOW! Watch out for the smell! Gotten ripped off by a used-car dealer? Wait awhile, then take some test drives in some other cars. With a few strategically placed "bombs" in a car with the windows closed in the hot sun.... use your imagination. Getting evicted? Remove some outlet covers or switch covers and stuff some of these babies down inside the wall. They'll be impossible to find, and won't start to smell until after you're long gone.

Parties. Parties are great fun to plan, especially if you plan them for someone else to host (as a surprise). Print up a few flyers for a party at your victim's house and distribute them where undesirables will be sure to see them. For example, you might put up flyers around biker bars advertising "all the beer you can drink", and "crowning of Miss Biker", or something equivalent. Even if the reluctant host doesn't let them in his house when the horde shows up, he will still wind up with a party on his lawn. Of course, if you're his neighbor this gives you a good reason to complain to the cops or to his landlord, etc.

Set your victim against a third party, or against another victim. Let other people do your dirty work for you. Here's an example: Call up the electric or gas company and impersonate your victim. Request that service be terminated for a week or two (going on vacation, or whatever). As soon as that happens, call your victim. Impersonate an officer of the gas/electric company, and be very nasty and abusive, saying that service has been discontinued because of non-payment of bills. This should rile up your victim, asasuming that he HAS paid his bill and knows it. At any rate, tell him he must come down to the office immediately to discuss the problem or you will send the police to his house to collect, or something like that. Then, once you have him mad, and know he is going to the gas/electric company, call up that company. Impersonate your victim. Be very nasty, and try to get into an argument with a supervisor. Wind up the conver- sation by saying that you are coming down there right now with a gun, and you are going to kill somebody. Then hang up.

Or, if you call enough times so that people associate your voice with his name, you could call back some time after the argument and make a bomb threat. They would recognize the voice as being 'him', and knowing that he was disgruntled would make him a prime suspect.

Buy a cheap toy gun. Plant it in your victim's car. Then call the police and anonomously report that you saw a suspicious armed person in the area, and give the vehicle's description and location. A variation of this would be to plant baggies full of phony drugs. He probably won't be arrested, but he will probably be stopped and harrassed.

Enter subscriptions in his name to the most filthy homo/bondage/snuff magazines you can find, and change his address by one so his NEIGHBOR receives them. His neighbors will not only be disgusted by his perver- sions, they will also be irritated by the fact that he is too dumb to even get his address right on a subscription.

If you can get one of his credit cards, or even a charge receipt or carbon copy of one, use the account to order gifts through the mail. Order gifts for REAL friends and relatives of the victim, and have them delivered directly to the recipient. It puts him in an embarras- sing position to have to explain to his family and friends how his gift to them must be returned. Also, can you imagine the guy trying to convince the bank that HE did not make the purchases? Don't use his charge accounts for your own benefit, or you will very likely be caught.

Another joke which one can easily perpetrate goes like this:

Fill a plastic, or rubber, tube with water. Hold the tube vertically up into the air and with the thumb of one hand plug up the bottom hole of the tube and place it next to your ear (hide the fact that you are plugging the hole).

Next, call a friend, or victim, and tell him that you are hearing something really strange through the tube and he should come over and listen in on it. When he gets close enough to your ear to listen turn the tube towards his ear and release your thumb.

My favorite was to place a singles' advertisment for the victim. I'll leave it to you to think of what to say, but my favorite was (for a heterosexual person) to place an ad looking for someone of the same sex.

I believe this is from "The Complete Book of Dirty Tricks."

First, go to the library and find some phone books for large cities. In one of the phone books you should be able to find a person who has the same name as the target. Then go down to the post office and file a change of address for the target, forwarding his mail to himself in a far away city.

If I remember correctly the book states that this is very illegal and is only included for amusement.

Next time when you are having dinner, keep an empty jug of water on the table. When somebody asks you to pass the jug, pretend while picking it up that it is full of water and heavy. Keep the jug on the table near the victim. The victim will apply what he/she considers is appropriate strength needed to pick up the jug. This will cause the jug to jerk up to a significant height. The sight is very funny and so is the victim's face.

Must try to believe. Even the most prude of your aunts will not mind being a victim of this joke.